


So You Want to Be a Rabbi

by CenozoicSynapsid



Category: Young Wizards - Diane Duane, תלמוד | Talmud
Genre: Cats, Collection: Purimgifts Day 3, Crack Crossover, Gen, Time Travel, Weird Halachic Questions
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-07
Updated: 2019-03-07
Packaged: 2019-11-13 05:40:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 998
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18025769
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CenozoicSynapsid/pseuds/CenozoicSynapsid
Summary: Getting stuck in a timeslide can be dangerous. On the other hand, it's the perfect chance to resolve all those halachic issues about cats!





	So You Want to Be a Rabbi

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Storyteller1358](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Storyteller1358/gifts).



“I think something’s stuck in the claudication,” said Saash. “Let me—”

There was a flash of light.

“What planet is this?” said an unfamiliar voice. “We’re on errantry. Is anyone here?”

Rhiow opened her eyes, trying to blink away the blindness. Two vaguely _ehhif_ -shaped blurs were standing on the platform, speaking a language she didn’t recognize.

“ _Dai_ , cousin,” said Rhiow politely. _Thank Iau they’re friendly_. “The planet is called Earth.”

“Who are you? What did you do to our worldgate?”

“Akiva,” said the larger blur reprovingly. The smaller one fell silent.

“ _Dai stiho_. We are on errantry, and we greet you,” said the larger one. “I am Eliezer ben Hyrcanus, and this is my student Akiva ben Yosef. You’ll have to forgive him. He’s new.”

Rhiow laughed quietly. “Weren’t we all, once. Where did you come from?”

“And _when_ ,” interjected Saash. “With the way the free end of that gate was swinging around—”

“Jerusalem,” said Eliezer. “In 3836.”

“There’s a gate there?” Rhiow’s ears twitched.

“Was,” said Saash. “Decomissioned a few thousand years back. It had a bad reputation— I can’t possibly imagine why.”

“A few thousand years!” Akiva burst out. “Are we going to be stuck here?”

Eliezer sighed. “Look, kid. You wanted to know how to do that trick with the cucumbers. And I said if you wanted to know bad enough, Someone would tell you. Well, now you know. It’s all fun, but it’s not all games.”

Akiva nodded, still looking frustrated.

“Now, from the way these fine People are looking at the worldgate, I’m sure they’ll be able to sort it out for us. Meanwhile, perhaps we’ll be able to find those astronomical readings here instead of going all the way to Xi’an.”

Rhiow curled her legs underneath herself and sat comfortably on the platform. “I have a contact in the library. We’ll be able to get you whatever you need. Now, why don’t we all just let Saash check out the gate and figure out whether it’s possible to timeslide you back to _I’rrusawe_.”

“Whether?” said Akiva. “I knew it. We’re going to be stuck here.”

“Shut up and let them work, kid. If we’re stuck, we’re stuck; complaining won’t get us anywhere.”

“Stop calling me kid. I’m forty years old.”

“So act your age. Last year you were still learning your alef-bet, and this year you’re acting like you know things? I suggest you stop whining at this Person here and see what she can teach us.”

Eliezer held out his hand. Rhiow sniffed it: he smelled of olive oil, animal hide and spices, strong but not unpleasant. She rubbed her cheek against him, then sat back down on the platform as he stroked gently up and down her back.

“You want me to talk to a— a Person?”

“Kid, it’s like Hillel said: You can be ashamed, or you can learn something.”

“Fine. Uh, Cousin,” Akiva started, haltingly. “So here’s something I always wondered about. If you see a mouse running into a house with a piece of bread in its mouth—”

Rhiow’s tail twitched. “Go on. This sounds interesting.”

“If you see a cat run out holding some bread, would you think it was the same bread or a different piece?”

“You _ehhif_ do think of interesting riddles. Well, I’d guess my friend had missed the mouse somehow and scared it into dropping the bread. If she’d caught the mouse, she’d take it and leave the bread, and if she hadn’t seen it at all, she’d just keep hunting. I wouldn’t mention it to whoever this is if you meet them again, though. It’s rude to point out when someone’s hunt goes badly.”

“Do you all eat mice? I’ve heard they cause forgetfulness and that’s why cats don’t— uh, People don’t recognize their masters the way dogs do.”

Rhiow stood up suddenly, hissing and throwing Eliezer’s hand off her back. “Let’s review some basics. We don’t have masters. Some of us have _ehhif_ — I do myself, in fact— but we don’t _own_ each other. And we can tell the difference between them perfectly well, even those of us who aren’t wizards. Are we clear?”

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry! I’ll be more careful what I say.”

“You’d better, or someone will shred your ears for you one of these days.”

Akiva rubbed his hands over his ears contemplatively. “I don’t think that’s quite how it works.”

Rhiow’s whiskers went forward. “There’s usually an equivalent. But I accept your apology.”

“I have one more question, then. If I may.”

“If you ask politely.”

Akiva looked a little embarrassed. “It’s about how you got angry and hissed, just then. Like a snake.”

 _This should be interesting_ , thought Rhiow. _I wonder what he’ll blurt out next?_

“Are People— venomous, like snakes? Rav Kahana says they have poison in their claws, but they only use them when they’re angry.”

Rhiow laughed quietly, deep in her throat. “Did you hear that, Saash? No, there are legends linking People with serpents, but they’re metaphors, not facts. Although if Rav Kahana tangled with an angry Person, I can imagine how he came to that conclusion.”

“If I may,” Eliezer broke in. “Can I ask you something more practical? If we’re going to be out all day getting the information, we might want to eat something. But by our tradition, we only eat food prepared in a certain way called _kosher_. I don’t suppose they have that here?”

“I don’t know,” said Rhiow. “Saash, have you heard of _hssh’rr?_ ”

“It’s a kind of restaurant, isn’t it?” Saash said, claws still tangled in the gate’s maintenance structures. “I think they have _ffstrami_.”

“What’s _ffstrami?_ ” asked Eliezer.

“A kind of meat,” said Rhiow. “ _Ehhif_ eat it with rye bread, or those chewy rolls with holes in them.”

Eliezer frowned. “I’ve never heard of anything like that.”

“Never?” Rhiow laughed. “Well, then, there’s _one_ thing we’ll be able to teach you, cousins. Trust me, you’re going to like New York!”

  
**Worldgate**  
  


**Author's Note:**

> This is pre-canon for The Book of Night with Moon, during which Rhiow will learn to be a little less dismissive of comparisons between People and serpents.
> 
> Meanwhile, I continue to believe it would be totally hilarious if these two Rabbis did actually end up in a deli.
> 
> Rabbi Eliezer knew magic and taught it to Rabbi Akiva: [Sanhedrin 68a](https://www.sefaria.org/Sanhedrin.68a.7?ven=William_Davidson_Edition_-_English&lang=bi)
> 
> If a mouse runs into a house... (the animal is really a marten, not a Person): [Pesachim 9b](https://www.sefaria.org/Pesachim.9b.7?ven=William_Davidson_Edition_-_English&lang=bi)
> 
> People don't recognize ehhif: [Horayot 13a](https://www.sefaria.org/Horayot.13a.23?ven=William_Davidson_Edition_-_English&lang=bi)
> 
> People have venomous claws: [Chullin 52b](https://www.sefaria.org/Chullin.52b.15?ven=William_Davidson_Edition_-_English&lang=bi&with=all&lang2=en)
> 
> The saying from Rabbi Hillel is from Pirke Avot.


End file.
